Fred, a lonely gardener in his late 40’s, works at a golf course where he tends the gardens. When he is diagnosed with testicular cancer, he wants to freeze some of his sperm before his operation. However, in the unsympathetic environment of the sperm bank, he doesn’t manage to produce any sperm.
When Fred sees the beautiful rich Elize out walking during his work on the golf course, he begins to try to produce some sperm. But Fred is caught and his boss fires him on the spot.
Fred donates his sperm to a sperm bank and undergoes the operation. He loses both testicles. The medical staff at the hospital makes it clear he is no longer a ‘complete’ man. Fred has tremendously difficult with this and decides to pretend to be a lot tougher and more aggressive than he actually is by injecting himself with testosterone. But testosterone injections are expensive and to raise the money, Fred attempts to sell some of his sperm. It soon becomes clear no one is interested.
Fred then decides to kidnap the owner of the golf course. It that way, he will then have the money for the injections and he will also immediately become a tough, aggressive, macho criminal. He re-builds his spare room and buys a large bottle of chloroform and a gun. He practices with the gun at home, and when he thinks he’s ready, he swings into action.
Fred waits for his old boss in his car. But when he finally sees his old boss, Fred becomes so stressed he drops the bottle of chloroform. He is overwhelmed by the fumes and his head hits on his horn, thus unintentionally attracting the attention of his old boss. His unsuspecting boss recognizes Fred and sees that he is losing consciousness. As he rushes to help Fred, he is hit by a truck. The boss dies and Fred sits unconscious in his car. The kidnapping has failed completely.
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Fred regrets his actions and, one night, decides to go to the cemetery, where the urn with the ashes of old his boss is interred in a wall. Fred gets emotional at the sight of the urn and removes it from the wall. When he sees people coming, he hides with the urn. The people turn out to be relatives his old boss. They discover their urn is gone and assume it has been stolen. That gives Fred an idea.
Fred decides to demand ransom money from the family for the return of the ashes of their loved one. He puts the urn in his remodeled guest room. He is so enthusiastic about his idea that his gun accidentally goes off. He shoots dead the dog of his neighbor – an aggressive drunk – through the wooden wall of his house. Fred is able to remove the dead dog just before the neighbor comes home. The neighbor reports his dog as missing. An overzealous cop takes on the case of the missing dog with enthusiasm.
Fred hides the dead dog in his freezer and sends a printed pasted letter to the family of his boss. He is still acting macho. The family pays the ransom money, and that night, Fred returns the urn. To get a genuine feeling of a kidnapping, Fred pulls on his balaclava. As a result, he can see very little and he falls into an open grave.
Fred’s neighbor – who at that moment is walking her poodle in the cemetery – sees a figure emerging from the open grave. She faints, and in doing so, crushes her own little dog.
A patrolling agent comes across the woman and her dog and gives the dog mouth-to – mouth resuscitation. But the dog dies. In the meantime, Fred takes a second urn from the cemetery.
The relatives of this cremated man also receive a printed ransom note: Fred’s lucrative urn kidnapping trade has begun. In six months, Fred receives ransom money from several families. He uses the money to pay for the testosterone injections. Fred’s house is now filled with urns.
The enthusiastic cop is still working on the case of the missing dog. He won’t give up on the case. Especially as his colleagues don’t take him very seriously.
Fred is rich. He shoots himself up with testosterone and behaves in a very macho way. He has also taken up golf and he meets the beautiful Elize. Fred poses as a rose grower and Elize asks Fred to help her with her withered rose garden.
The enthusiastic cop suspects that the neighbor himself is behind the disappearance of his dog and asks if he can keep an eye on the neighbor’s house from Fred’s home. Fred now needs to clear out his kidnapping room and get rid of all the ash.
Fred places the ash in his pickup truck and uses it as fertilizer for Elize’s rose beds. The roses bloom perfectly.
However, it doesn’t really click between Fred and Elize. But one evening, when they are harassed by Fred’s drunken neighbor, Fred has to demonstrate his aggressive side. Elize immediately falls in love with him and something beautiful blooms between her and Fred.
In the meantime, Fred continues with his secret trade in stolen ash. When the drunken neighbor places the head of his own dog on Fred’s BBQ, he smashes Fred to the ground. Overcome with grief the drunken neighbor runs down the street with the burning dog’s head in his hands. The enthusiastic cop sees this and assesses the situation wrongly. In a reflex, he shoots the drunken neighbor dead. As a result, the cop is demoted by his commander to parking warden.
Fred ends up in hospital with burns from the barbecue. During a visit, Elize tells him she might want a child from Fred. Fred is overjoyed and decides to quit his urn trade and testosterone injections. After all, he has now achieved everything he wants. However, when Elize asks Fred for a down payment for a new home, he decides to steal an expensive urn. His last ransom note is sent to a man in Australia.
Just as Elize learns that Fred hasn’t any testicles, she gets a call from her brother in Australia: the ashes of their mother have been stolen. Fred has unwittingly stolen her mother’s ashes. Elize wants to immediately call the police, but Fred talks to her and changes her mind. Fred telephones Elize from another room and pretends to be the ashes thief. Fred is almost caught during the call, but he snatches Elize’s phone and conducts a fake discussion with himself and manages to extricate himself from the situation. He again behaves macho on the phone and pretends to persuade the ashes thief to return them for very little money. Elize is again impressed by Fred’s firm, cool response. Because the real ashes of the mother have long been used in Elize’s garden, Fred sends some ashes from his barbecue.
Elize has the ashes examined by a forensic analyst friend and discovers they are not the ashes of her mother, but of an old hamburger.
Elize freaks out and wants to call the police again. Fred pretends to get back in touch with the ashes kidnappers and promises Elize they will get the real ashes back.
Because he knows his girlfriend wants to have a child from him, Fred again decides to store his own sperm in a sperm bank. A horrible nurse makes this impossible. Fred is tired of being bossed around by the unkind nurse and decides to give his aggressive alter ego another chance. He takes a large dose of testosterone, and during a ram raid, steals his own sperm from the sperm bank.
The enthusiastic cop is now a parking warden. He is patrolling the neighborhood and hears from the neighbor that she has sometimes seen Fred with a gun. He begins to suspect something.
One night, Fred decides to dig up the ashes Elize’s mother – in Elize’s garden. He retrieves enough of them, but while digging, he thinks he sees an intruder sneaking through Elize’s garden. Fred tackles the intruder and manages to get away just before Elize wakes.
In his car, Fred overwhelms the intruder with some chloroform and takes him home.
The enthusiastic cop was watching Fred from the bushes, realizes what is going on and wants to tell his commander about his discovery. Fred smashes him on the head with a shovel.
Fred has received a package with silicone balls. In combination with testosterone injections and his urge to be a real man, he thaws his semen and takes it along to Elize: he hopes to have sex with her. Of course, he ‘s in a hurry, because his sperm will only survive for a few hours.
Fred places the unconscious intruder with a bag of ash on his belt in the cemetery.
Then he collects Elize so they can solve the stolen ash case together. Elize finds it exciting and is even a bit wound up. At the cemetery, the intruder slowly comes round.
Fred and Elize see the intruder running away with the urn. Fred plays the tough determined hero, draws his gun and shoots the intruder dead. Elize faints and falls back into an open grave. Then the police arrive.
Elize is in the hospital. Fred does not have much time. He is in the hospital to try to inseminate her. An agent in front of the door to her room tells Fred the case is virtually solved: Fred acted in self-defense. He is a hero.
Fred enters Elize’s room. Just as he is about to inseminate her, she recovers consciousness. In tears, she tells him she fainted because Fred shot her brother right in front of her. Fred appears not to have shot an intruder, but the Australian brother.
In the meantime, more and more police officers gather in the hallway. They have discovered the truth behind Fred’s deception and wait until they can grab him. Fred jumps out the window and smashes into the rose beds of the hospital. The tube with sperm drains into the flowerbed.
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“Earn your own Urn — or what would you pay for ash”